Confidence

I find that getting constant knock backs, the fact that I've been out of the workforce for so long and my lack of skills, or apparent skills are letting me down. I'm tired of trading on the fact that I worked in software testing year ago. Yes I have some knowledge when it comes to computer, but my skills aren't needed. I'm obsolete.

I can't just take the first job that presents itself either. I can't walk that far in one go, I can't stand for longer than a hour or so, I'm not to good on the phone due to dysarthria, my coordination is poor, my balance is bad, my strength is terrible, I can't bend down. So, there is no job out there that can fit into my abilities, or me into its requirements.

I was never the most confident person, but now! I can't say with any kind of conviction that the knowledge that I have gained from here and there, once upon a time is any use.

We're doing an exercise on the course at the moment that involves some "inner reflection" and it's not making me happy. All I can see is a damaged human, with no relevance to working life today, and it hurts. I spent so long tying to get better, sure that I would recover sufficiently, to be able to do something to try and support myself; but I've been in denial.

The stroke wasn't as total as it should have been, because I know what I've lost. I'm keenly aware of my short comings. I've said before on many occasions there are worse things in this world than dying; and this is one of them.

People over the years have said about looking at the positive side of things like "at least you're alive", but there's no quality of life here. I can't work, so someone else decides what I can and can't do and what I can and can't live on. If you're able-bodied and working or able-bodied and not working, you have the choice to change your life. It's hard if you're homeless or addicted to drugs or whatever, but they're things you have a choice to change even if it takes a great deal of effort to accomplish your goal.

This though, this disability, I can't change. It won't make any difference how much I work at it. It won't go away, ever. That knowledge and the fact that I'm useless in the eyes of society, knowing what I've lost and knowing that I'll never get it back is depressing to say the least. It's really given my confidence a beating...

Employment

I've commented on this before, but it's something that really bothers me. Employment and being disabled. I don't want to get angry about it. But it does make me mad.

Image from disabled-jobs.org

I can only speak for myself, but I welcome any comments others have. Being disabled, or at least aquiring a disability through illness or accident is really difficult. Especially if you still have the awareness to actually know what's happened to you and the loss that you have suffered.

People look at me and make the judgement that I'm OK, even though I walk with a stick, my balance is bad and my speech is slurred. More often than not it's along the lines of "at least you're alive" or something to that effect. There are worse things than dying let me tell you.

Being aware of your limitations and working around them, learning to walk again, eat again, go to the bathroom, breathe on your own, speak, and the myriad other things that people take for granted, takes skill and patience.
And it's really really difficult. Balancing enough to enable you to walk is hard. Yet people take it for granted. Going into a shop with a step is impossible in a wheelchair. Yet it's taken for granted.

It's hard enough to get a job. It's almost impossible if you have any kind of disability. They talk about a stigma surrounding depression and mental health, but that's nothing, NOTHING, compared to the reaction you get from people and their dismissal of you if you have a disability. After time you begin to doubt yourself, and this deepens into a lack of confidence and self esteem. Depression sets in, and you're on a hiding to nothing.

I have to be careful what kind of work I try to get. I'm still sick. I don't look it but I am. Having arthritis and lymphedema mean that my immune system is very low. So low in fact that a cold becomes a major event, and could possibly put me in hospital. In fact arthritis or lymphedema on their own are called auto-immune diseases, so having them both together isn't great. And I haven't mentioned the physical aspects of of either conditions.

It's true to say that I'm lucky, but when and where is it determined that I've had enough luck? Who decides? And what gives them the right to make that decision for me?

I have the right to work the same as everybody else and although people show great sympathy and empathy for someone with a disability, few are willing to put their money where their mouth is and give a person with a disability a job.

Unemployment and disabilty

There's a story on Today FM today highlighting the fact that 76% of paralysed people don't return to work. It's a rotten situation. What about the rest of us though, disabled people but not just the paralysed? Do we not count?

Of course arguments will be made to argue that we have total equality, but we're only equal with each other. I mean that every disability is treated with the same disdain amongst "normal' people. But within the category, some disabilities are treated somewhat differently.

I'm not picking out a single disability, but Downs Syndrome has achieved more than other disabilities have. The thing is there are so many disabilities, and they're all deserving. And the reluctance to assist people with any disability isn't a unique one. In this era of cut backs and Fine Gael/Labour imposed austerity the withdrawal and consolidation of services is having a serious impact on people. It's not limited to services either. Everything from healthcare to community based services is being targeted. Let me put it like this. If your mother, father, brother, sister, wife, husband or child became disabled, what would you do? What do you do?

It's expensive to be disabled too. If you're unlucky enough to be on your own and unable to drive you need to get a taxi. And if you live in a rural location the cost of a taxi is prohibitive.

A number of years ago, the motorised transport grant and the mobility grant were cut by the government. The only reason that was given was that it was just to expensive to operate as it was unconstitutional to have a cut off age. So if you were over 65 I think it was, you couldn't get the grant anyway. Where's the logic there? Anyhow, the thing I wanted to point out is that it hasn't been replaced with anything. If you're disabled you're stuck where you are unless you can drive or pay for a taxi, but seeing a most disabled people are unemployed that luxury is spared in order to eat. Loneliness goes through the roof as do psychological issues. Another problem that is entirely created by the policies of the current political incumbents.

So it's not as simple as saying that paralysed people have a problem with unemployment. As far as I'm concerned we're all being ignored and walked on.

Negativity and Illness

I'm overwhelmingly negative. So much bad stuff has happened to me over the

years. There are only two things really that I can think of that have been great and I'm not going to mention them here. I'm aware that everybody is dealing with something, but people react differently to things.

As I keep saying, Ireland isn't the greatest place to get sick in. The stigma that goes alongside any illness is overwhelming. Never mind depression and why wouldn't I have depression. Thankfully it's under control with medication, but negativity is difficult to treat. It's exhausting.

There are people up and down the country with depression of some kind. Some deal with it better than others who unfortunately don't, but they're all suffering. I can't tell you the reason why depression is so prevalent in Ireland, I'm not qualified. All I can say is that it's debilitating.

Illness of any kind is tiring. There isn't a day that goes by that I feel well. Lymphedema means I'm always in pain, and if it's not the lymphedema it's arthritis, or it's the stroke. For instance, today the lymphedema is causing me pain as usual, but vertigo is making me dizzy. Not much but it's there. And I can't take anything for it because I need to function.

No one ever sees these hidden conditions, and it's impossible to get people to care. I have a great deal of empathy with those that are suffering, and the lengths mankind will go to to make life unbearable always amazes me. I've tried not to care but it doesn't work. Maybe that's why I could never be a councillor, I care that little bit too much.

But this is my struggle. Sometimes it all gets too much, the pain, the effort, standing upright (and I mean that literally), walking, being sick and unemployed.
That's why I'm negative...

Swan Centre

I swore I wouldn't do this, however, I'm angry. I'm in the Swan Centre, a training centre funded by FAS/Intreo or whatever they're called now. Our tutor isn't in - again. Instead we have a guy who's been here before and is good, but they wont give him the time to build up his class or establish himself here to generate a rapport with the students. There's no consistency.

There's a serious disconnect between the teaching

here and the needs of an employer. Just doing something for the sake of it to demonstrate that you are actually active in the market place is pointless.

The 'course' is that basic its not even leaving cert level. For those of us who really want to get jobs the course is inadequate. In fact, there are obstacles put in your way, preventing you from moving forward, and yet you get penalized by the system for not advancing. Logic?

All governments put in place some really stupid rules, but this one, Enda Kenny's one to be specific, has to be one of the worst. What kind of system is allowed to continue, when it clearly doesn't work. There are people like me all over the country who are effectively trapped in an endless cycle of course/dole/sick/disability, or some combination of these.

I've said it before, but Ireland is a bad place to be sick in. Once you're inducted into 'the system' there are active mechanisms to keep you down. These aren't visible to most, but as soon as you're in a weakened position your are victimized. 

I was under the impression that it was just me that felt this, but there are a least two others on this 'course' with me who are feeling the effects. All we've done is get sick enough to be away from the workforce a bit longer than is deemed as acceptable. That's to say, more that a day or two.

There's a certain cohort that dismisses people and their problems, yet these caring people will say, you're not working because you have low self esteem, or you lack confidence. Or the other one is you have no experience, or a personal favourite, you're over qualified.

You can't get a job from a standing start. It's even harder as an unemployed 'mature' worker, not that getting a job when you're just out of college is easy. But you seen as obsolete when you've previously had a job, then lost it for whatever reason. This is why the stigma of mental illness is so bad in Ireland. Like I said, and have been saying for years, Ireland is not the place to be sick. People will eat you up and spit you out with the rubbish. I may continue this, but not today because I'm getting very, very angry..

Let me clarify this

This program is predicted on being placed with an employer within your area of interest in the hope that you gain enough relevant experience to be of some value in the workplace. Although I'm sure they do a fine job, not everyone is suited to the demanding lifestyle of a Charity Shop Employee.

While you're on the course you get the equivalent social welfare payment. This is no longer a social welfare payment but it's now called a training allowance and REHAB through FAS or SOLAS or whoever it is this week that hasn't fleeced the state, manages the payment. So technically you're not on social welfare, but you're no better off.

The course is level 3/4 on the NFQ, which really means that in the eyes of the state you can give your name and address if approached by a figure of authority or perhaps even write it down if your pushed to do so. At this level the main requirement that a student needs to gain entry to the course is consciousness. If you can breath unaided you're on to a winner.

You also get a meal allowance of €4 a week. That's generous enough to buy ¾ of a sandwich, or a packet of crisps and 2 litres of cola, but they have to last all week. You're not working though, so you don't really need food. It's just a generous bonus given to you by a caring government.

When you have completed your intensive highly relevant course you have a number of choices. You can go back to doing fuck all but at a very reduced rate, because you're educated now, with a qualification and all so you should be able to get any job advertised. You could further your studies by doing a level 5 where you're taught the ins and outs of presentation skills and mouse work, as you'll have a qualification in standing in front of an audience and talking shite and using a mouse to click on anything that resembles a picture (icon). You could do an internship (wait, no you can't), you could do a CE Scheme if you can pick up rubbish with a grabber, provided you can walk for eight hours straight. Or you could leave the country in the mass emigration known as the "brain drain"

With all of this knowledge and greater confidence you can face any challenge with the certainty that you have a state endorsed certificate of learning. You'll be over qualified to sit on the board of Irish Water, but you might be in with a chance of getting elected as a senator. The world is you oyster.

I trust this puts some perspective on the first part of the post, but if not ring the Taoiseach, every citizen has access to the leader of the country...

I want to post something positive but...