I find that getting constant knock backs, the fact that I've been out of the workforce for so long and my lack of skills, or apparent skills are letting me down. I'm tired of trading on the fact that I worked in software testing year ago. Yes I have some knowledge when it comes to computer, but my skills aren't needed. I'm obsolete.
I can't just take the first job that presents itself either. I can't walk that far in one go, I can't stand for longer than a hour or so, I'm not to good on the phone due to dysarthria, my coordination is poor, my balance is bad, my strength is terrible, I can't bend down. So, there is no job out there that can fit into my abilities, or me into its requirements.
I was never the most confident person, but now! I can't say with any kind of conviction that the knowledge that I have gained from here and there, once upon a time is any use.
We're doing an exercise on the course at the moment that involves some "inner reflection" and it's not making me happy. All I can see is a damaged human, with no relevance to working life today, and it hurts. I spent so long tying to get better, sure that I would recover sufficiently, to be able to do something to try and support myself; but I've been in denial.
The stroke wasn't as total as it should have been, because I know what I've lost. I'm keenly aware of my short comings. I've said before on many occasions there are worse things in this world than dying; and this is one of them.
People over the years have said about looking at the positive side of things like "at least you're alive", but there's no quality of life here. I can't work, so someone else decides what I can and can't do and what I can and can't live on. If you're able-bodied and working or able-bodied and not working, you have the choice to change your life. It's hard if you're homeless or addicted to drugs or whatever, but they're things you have a choice to change even if it takes a great deal of effort to accomplish your goal.
This though, this disability, I can't change. It won't make any difference how much I work at it. It won't go away, ever. That knowledge and the fact that I'm useless in the eyes of society, knowing what I've lost and knowing that I'll never get it back is depressing to say the least. It's really given my confidence a beating...
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, 21 October 2014
Tuesday, 14 October 2014
Employment
I've commented on this before, but it's something that really bothers me. Employment and being disabled. I don't want to get angry about it. But it does make me mad.
I can only speak for myself, but I welcome any comments others have. Being disabled, or at least aquiring a disability through illness or accident is really difficult. Especially if you still have the awareness to actually know what's happened to you and the loss that you have suffered.
People look at me and make the judgement that I'm OK, even though I walk with a stick, my balance is bad and my speech is slurred. More often than not it's along the lines of "at least you're alive" or something to that effect. There are worse things than dying let me tell you.
Being aware of your limitations and working around them, learning to walk again, eat again, go to the bathroom, breathe on your own, speak, and the myriad other things that people take for granted, takes skill and patience.
And it's really really difficult. Balancing enough to enable you to walk is hard. Yet people take it for granted. Going into a shop with a step is impossible in a wheelchair. Yet it's taken for granted.
It's hard enough to get a job. It's almost impossible if you have any kind of disability. They talk about a stigma surrounding depression and mental health, but that's nothing, NOTHING, compared to the reaction you get from people and their dismissal of you if you have a disability. After time you begin to doubt yourself, and this deepens into a lack of confidence and self esteem. Depression sets in, and you're on a hiding to nothing.
I have to be careful what kind of work I try to get. I'm still sick. I don't look it but I am. Having arthritis and lymphedema mean that my immune system is very low. So low in fact that a cold becomes a major event, and could possibly put me in hospital. In fact arthritis or lymphedema on their own are called auto-immune diseases, so having them both together isn't great. And I haven't mentioned the physical aspects of of either conditions.
It's true to say that I'm lucky, but when and where is it determined that I've had enough luck? Who decides? And what gives them the right to make that decision for me?
I have the right to work the same as everybody else and although people show great sympathy and empathy for someone with a disability, few are willing to put their money where their mouth is and give a person with a disability a job.
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| Image from disabled-jobs.org |
I can only speak for myself, but I welcome any comments others have. Being disabled, or at least aquiring a disability through illness or accident is really difficult. Especially if you still have the awareness to actually know what's happened to you and the loss that you have suffered.
People look at me and make the judgement that I'm OK, even though I walk with a stick, my balance is bad and my speech is slurred. More often than not it's along the lines of "at least you're alive" or something to that effect. There are worse things than dying let me tell you.
Being aware of your limitations and working around them, learning to walk again, eat again, go to the bathroom, breathe on your own, speak, and the myriad other things that people take for granted, takes skill and patience.
And it's really really difficult. Balancing enough to enable you to walk is hard. Yet people take it for granted. Going into a shop with a step is impossible in a wheelchair. Yet it's taken for granted.
It's hard enough to get a job. It's almost impossible if you have any kind of disability. They talk about a stigma surrounding depression and mental health, but that's nothing, NOTHING, compared to the reaction you get from people and their dismissal of you if you have a disability. After time you begin to doubt yourself, and this deepens into a lack of confidence and self esteem. Depression sets in, and you're on a hiding to nothing.
I have to be careful what kind of work I try to get. I'm still sick. I don't look it but I am. Having arthritis and lymphedema mean that my immune system is very low. So low in fact that a cold becomes a major event, and could possibly put me in hospital. In fact arthritis or lymphedema on their own are called auto-immune diseases, so having them both together isn't great. And I haven't mentioned the physical aspects of of either conditions.
It's true to say that I'm lucky, but when and where is it determined that I've had enough luck? Who decides? And what gives them the right to make that decision for me?
I have the right to work the same as everybody else and although people show great sympathy and empathy for someone with a disability, few are willing to put their money where their mouth is and give a person with a disability a job.
Thursday, 2 October 2014
Negativity and Illness
I'm overwhelmingly negative. So much bad stuff has happened to me over the
years. There are only two things really that I can think of that have been great and I'm not going to mention them here. I'm aware that everybody is dealing with something, but people react differently to things.
As I keep saying, Ireland isn't the greatest place to get sick in. The stigma that goes alongside any illness is overwhelming. Never mind depression and why wouldn't I have depression. Thankfully it's under control with medication, but negativity is difficult to treat. It's exhausting.
There are people up and down the country with depression of some kind. Some deal with it better than others who unfortunately don't, but they're all suffering. I can't tell you the reason why depression is so prevalent in Ireland, I'm not qualified. All I can say is that it's debilitating.
Illness of any kind is tiring. There isn't a day that goes by that I feel well. Lymphedema means I'm always in pain, and if it's not the lymphedema it's arthritis, or it's the stroke. For instance, today the lymphedema is causing me pain as usual, but vertigo is making me dizzy. Not much but it's there. And I can't take anything for it because I need to function.
No one ever sees these hidden conditions, and it's impossible to get people to care. I have a great deal of empathy with those that are suffering, and the lengths mankind will go to to make life unbearable always amazes me. I've tried not to care but it doesn't work. Maybe that's why I could never be a councillor, I care that little bit too much.
But this is my struggle. Sometimes it all gets too much, the pain, the effort, standing upright (and I mean that literally), walking, being sick and unemployed.
That's why I'm negative...
Illness of any kind is tiring. There isn't a day that goes by that I feel well. Lymphedema means I'm always in pain, and if it's not the lymphedema it's arthritis, or it's the stroke. For instance, today the lymphedema is causing me pain as usual, but vertigo is making me dizzy. Not much but it's there. And I can't take anything for it because I need to function.
No one ever sees these hidden conditions, and it's impossible to get people to care. I have a great deal of empathy with those that are suffering, and the lengths mankind will go to to make life unbearable always amazes me. I've tried not to care but it doesn't work. Maybe that's why I could never be a councillor, I care that little bit too much.
But this is my struggle. Sometimes it all gets too much, the pain, the effort, standing upright (and I mean that literally), walking, being sick and unemployed.
That's why I'm negative...
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