Confidence

I find that getting constant knock backs, the fact that I've been out of the workforce for so long and my lack of skills, or apparent skills are letting me down. I'm tired of trading on the fact that I worked in software testing year ago. Yes I have some knowledge when it comes to computer, but my skills aren't needed. I'm obsolete.

I can't just take the first job that presents itself either. I can't walk that far in one go, I can't stand for longer than a hour or so, I'm not to good on the phone due to dysarthria, my coordination is poor, my balance is bad, my strength is terrible, I can't bend down. So, there is no job out there that can fit into my abilities, or me into its requirements.

I was never the most confident person, but now! I can't say with any kind of conviction that the knowledge that I have gained from here and there, once upon a time is any use.

We're doing an exercise on the course at the moment that involves some "inner reflection" and it's not making me happy. All I can see is a damaged human, with no relevance to working life today, and it hurts. I spent so long tying to get better, sure that I would recover sufficiently, to be able to do something to try and support myself; but I've been in denial.

The stroke wasn't as total as it should have been, because I know what I've lost. I'm keenly aware of my short comings. I've said before on many occasions there are worse things in this world than dying; and this is one of them.

People over the years have said about looking at the positive side of things like "at least you're alive", but there's no quality of life here. I can't work, so someone else decides what I can and can't do and what I can and can't live on. If you're able-bodied and working or able-bodied and not working, you have the choice to change your life. It's hard if you're homeless or addicted to drugs or whatever, but they're things you have a choice to change even if it takes a great deal of effort to accomplish your goal.

This though, this disability, I can't change. It won't make any difference how much I work at it. It won't go away, ever. That knowledge and the fact that I'm useless in the eyes of society, knowing what I've lost and knowing that I'll never get it back is depressing to say the least. It's really given my confidence a beating...