Is there something wrong with me?

For some unknown reason, every time I think I've had an original thought or I reckon I've seen something unusual or read something different it's like I've discovered a new planet or whatever. This excitement is only matched by the horror that is my sudden disinterest in this new discovery. I like a certain amount of rebellion, and the notion that I, me like, could come up with something new just excites me. 

I rebel against the status quo (not the band 😳), the authorities, though I've never had a run in with either them or the law, and pretty much everything others think is fab and hip and 'like' soo cool. I can't stand the idea of being ordinary and unremarkable. And why do I have to be ordinary anyway? It'd be a boring world if we were all carbon copies of the same old boring shite.

Through the years I've discovered that I have the ability to be truly great, or not. It's the certain knowledge that success or failure in is my hands that makes me cocky. I'm not always confident. I don't do well in social situations. Not because I'm shy, because I couldn't be arsed. It's the rebel in me that takes over and I end up standing apart. I'm so used to it now that I find my own company fascinating. Some would say I'm introverted, I'm not though. I'm just a rebellious isolationist cocky sonofabitch...

Memories of me

I've been thinking of photography for a while now. Obviously I still want to call it a hobby, but is it? I've been struggling on all sorts of fronts for a long while, and time has marched by leaving me with nothing and going and doing nothing. I'd like to change that.

Today I was a bit vacant. Normal you say, but not like this. I sat for a couple of hours at least doing nothing except remembering and thinking. While memories are a great invention you can spend to much time in your own head. I did that when I got sick first and couldn't talk. It can be a scary place. I didn't think I had that many regrets.

I have over the years spent many, many hours thinking and remembering, but not giving myself time to make new memories. I've been looking at the past, my past through rose tinted glasses. It may not have appeared it at the time, but I have many happy memories. As I move farther away from the stroke, memories of that horror have given way to more intimate memories of a childhood gifted with magical moments. But everybody says that don't they.

I've had a rough time I suppose. It's difficult to be positive in light of past events, but I need to move forward. But I've spent so long being alone and procrastinating, hours looking inward, that I forget that there's a whole world out there. As an absolute expert in making and believing my own excuses I'm suffocating myself. I want to do something, to make new memories and move forward. With any luck there'll be room for some photos along the way...

Photography

I've always found that taking photos around my home is, well, kinda cheating. Not just taking a photo of a regular "thing"or trying to be all arty when in comes to a photograph, but also showing off a photograph of my stuff. They're my things and I don't really want to share this way. Partly because I wouldn't anyone to think "eww, WTF's that? Also, security it has to be said. I'm not manic about it, but I don't want to add to any information that's probably out there already. Having said that, there's really nothing a would be thief would profit by, unless they're out to get a couple of dodgy CD's, and old saucepan and maybe a loo roll or two. You never know!

Marie Gardiner

Over the last year or two inspiration just hasn't been that forthcoming. I'm simply out of practice taking the camera out with the sole purpose of taking a photograph. I still love it, the process of taking the camera out, setting everything up and finally pressing the shutter button and seeing the end result. I really like looking at photographs too, and paintings. I'm a member of a photography club but I'm terrified they'll ask me to show something. I don't think I'm much good, I'm shy and I don't have that much I could show anyway.

My dilemma is, I don't get around too well so my options are limited. Which in turn makes me lazy, as a photographer, and I'll sit for hours thinking "I should take some photographs" and do nothing. It's as bad as smoking. Excuses, excuses. I'm not going to fall into the trap of making a resolution only to feel even more like I've failed when I don't live up to the ideal, but something has to change. I just don't know what, where or how. Inspiration, it's everywhere and I can't see it. I'm photographically blind.